2 Girls, 2 States, 1 Movie

2009-07-06T19:53:00.000-07:00

Sex And the City The Movie
It should actually be called Sex and the Shitty because that's how much it sucked.
To sum up the story, Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda are all in NY (or close to) and Samantha is in LA. Samantha somehow manages to come to NY enough to appear in every scene. Every time Samantha appears, they all scream as if it's surprising.

Carrie hires a black assistant. I think this was because the girls didn't know any black people, and the writers want her to seem cultured. This is funny though because in their attempt to make Carrie not seem racist, she is basically hiring a black slave.

The movie is supposed to be a comedy, I think. There is one poop joke and that's really the only joke I can remember.

This film had two too many dress-up montages. One takes place in the first twenty minutes.

The film reminds me of my diary I kept when I was twelve years old. In it, I talk about being a fashion designer and having a Frenchman who wants to take me to a party. I think I have grown up and matured a little since then, this movie has not.

I was trying to think of a male equivalent to Sex and the City, something that makes men look like they are no more emotionally or intellectually developed than when they were twelve, but even James Bond movies are more than that.
This movie gets 0 stars. I would have given it one star for just making a film, but since it actually offends me and makes me wish it were never made....
Let's see what others have to say?

What 'Others' have to say? WTH? You can't refer to me personally? Is anyone else writing here? I have an identity. ☺ Thanks!

Sex and the City, the movie, is by far one of the very best films of my life. I can't believe I've only seen it twice. Once at the theater back when it came out and once for this review.
Now, this was actually Stam's choice in films and I have to say, Stammy knows her chic flix!!! I laughed, I cried, I felt like a woman!

This movie makes me proud to be female. I can totally relate to these girls.
Samantha, I'm also always wanting to 'F' dudes too!
Charlotte, god, I shit my pants all the time.
Miranda, I like getting F'ed from behind too!
And Carrie, I'm constantly getting F'ed by men! Err, F'ed over I mean.
So, in conclusion, I relate to all of these women. These situations are realistic and pertain to me and my life.
I think all women and men should see this movie!
☺
4 Stars!!!

Last Chance Harvey

2009-06-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

Last Chance Harvey is our review of the week. I know that I said we would compare Anchorman and Revolutionary Road but my partner in crime here reminded me that the blog is 2 Girls, 2 States, 1 Movie, not 2. So here we go with this one.
Last Chance Harvey is pretty much what I expected, a simple love story with little to no actual humor. I will say the character development was really well done though.
The highlight of this film for me was the montage scene in which Emma Thompson's character tries on dresses. This scene was laughable because it seemed so out of place. It's like a sad old person trying to quote old SNL sketches at a party.
One other note, does anyone else feel weird about Dustin Hoffman getting old? I'm saddened to see my favorite movie hero of all time (not Tootsie) aging.
I'll give Last Chance Harvey 2 stars for effort. I'm subtracting stars because Dustin Hoffman is old now and also because the movie sucked. This has been Stammy Bonners with 2 Girls, 2 States, 1 Movie!-

Thanks Stammy!

Yes, this blog is about reviewing the same movie but the title says nothing about reviewing the same shitty movie. Didn't we already review this? Wasn't it called Yes Man?
I can't bring myself to watch another miserable movie after this.
In our defense, we've seen all that RedBox or DVD play has to offer, so that's how these end up getting chosen. There's nothing left.
UNTIL NOW! We came across this amazing little video store called Blockbuster! They have 1000's of movies and they're all only 1 or 2 dollars! So, from here on out, the selection is near endless.
Now the issue of coordinating with Stams....hmmm, it's gonna take some planning.

Oh, and Last Chance Harvey, a hard movie to review. Just like it's hard to get up and clean when you'd rather waste time on Facebook. It's hard making yourself scoop the catbox. It's hard trying not to cut your wrists when watching "Yes Man."
However, I always manage, so here's my review....

The movie was regular. Quaint, but not in the cute little cottage way you may think. Quaint in the (oh so fetching) way Daniel Quinn uses the word in 'Story of B.' Ordinary. Bland. Small minded, showing a lack of originality. Something that's always been done. and redone. and done again.

1- Introduce two sad sack characters with hearts of gold and show how their lives suck.
2- An 'insignificant' meeting of the two but nothing comes of it.
3-More depressing character development. (seriously, this movie has one majorly depressing first half.)
4- The two re-meet but this time it's charming and they're smitten with one another. (only after a little hesitation on someones part.)
5- Love happens within that day and maybe the next.
6. Big drama that just might ruin the chance of them living happily ever after occurs.
7. The drama turns out to be a misunderstanding and one person attempts to fix it but the other person is again, hesitant. Tension and suspense mount, will they or won't they get together? Oh God, I don't know!!! (*bites nails*)(*pisses pants*)
8. They get together in a very happy ending. (*sobs*)(*hangs self to death*)

Okay, so this is only the second film on our blog with this formula but seriously, that's enough.
Time is money and money is precious so from here on out it's all about the blingedy bling.

Zero Stars because I'll never get back those 92 minutes of my life nor the $1.07 rental fee.

REVISION: okay, so you know what....I wrote this review after being in a funk today. Right before posting, I got a phone call from someone who brightened my day and now I'm feeling more generous.
The acting was good. Both Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson are always good actors. Believable and genuine, they conveyed the necessary lame emotions required of this script. So, after more consideration..... 2 stars. One for each actor.

~☺

2009-06-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
Written and Directed by Woody Allen.

I actually was able to check this movie out at my local library. The library is usually full of poor people which leads me to believe the poor people have spoken and they love Woody Allen! I'll have to talk to the homeless guys outside and see what they thought of this film when they watched it.

What can I say about this film that would make someone that hasn't seen it watch it? Maybe they have some good reason for not watching it, maybe they don't have a local library that carries it, or maybe they like crappy movies, or perhaps they're dead. Those would be the only reasons you wouldn't see this movie.

Chris Messina stood out with a great performance. I was happy to see he has another role in the soon to be released, "Away We Go" with Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski. Speaking of John Krasinski, did you see Leatherheads? What a boring film! And speaking of Maya Rudolph, did you see Idiocracy? What an underrated film! Now back to the task at hand...something else. The performances were great by everyone in the film, the dialogue, story, blah blah-we get it Woody! You're a great filmmaker, now give someone else a chance!

I give "Vicky Christina Barcelona " four stars. The good kind, not the bad stars that I sometimes give too. I understand that could get confusing.

You'll be happy to know, I'm developing a new catch phrase to say at the end of my reviews; my first attempt;
"But don't take my word for it, go watch the stupid movie yourself, you lazy piece of crap!"-Stam

back to you Douche!-

I like your catch phrase Stam!
So, I've decided I don't wanna be called Douche anymore. I liked Amouz Douche as a play on words. For those who don't know, amouz-bouche means small appetizer, served before a meal to get you ready for the chefs creation. The movie reviews would be similar, just something to amuse you before viewing these films. Douche went with the whole phrase but on it's own is just way too banal.
Really, everywhere you go, you're hearing people calling or called Douche. Douche bag, he's a douche, he looks like a douche, what a douche bag, etc. And if there's one thing I'm annoyed with, it's a useless meme-ish phrase like that. Yes, I do use it from time to time also but I can't stand it as my name!

So in an attempt to be more original, I'm renaming myself A-hole. Haha, no, not really. I've decided to be known as... ☺
Because while an unpronounceable symbol is a bit redundant (Prince, anyone?) my new symbol is actually pronounceable! So no worries! While you're all doing your post review recaps around the water cooler the next day, you'll be able to call me ☺.

As for the movie, I loved it. I saw it last year when it came out. I went with a couple of friends to the Magnolia and we ran into my ex on the way out. That was funny.
I haven't seen it again since but I plan to one of these days.
Woody Allen is my favorite director and despite some of his work being less than great lately, I did love this film.
It's hard for me to judge him harshly though. I forgive easily because I can rationalize anything he's done, good or bad, as being right for him at the time. (for whatever reason, be it studio pressure, boredom, stagnation on his part or just bad energy, I'm not gonna hold a grudge if it sucks. It's rare that I find this type of acceptance of imperfection within me, so I like to embrace it when it happens.)

On that note, the film wasn't perfect but it was fun, sexy and the scenery was beautiful.

I loved it that the lead characters had the same little cappuccino maker I have. They also had this teeny, tiny little pot for heating milk and I've wanted one ever since. It was adorable. The milk boiled over when they abandoned their coffee to have sex on the kitchen floor. I'm guessing the coffee burned too. I've been sad about that ever since. :(
Sooo, Vicky Christina Barcelona gets 4-1/2 stars out of a possible 5.

2009-05-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Yes Man
Starring Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschannel
Directed By:Peyton Reed
Written by:Nicholas Stoller, Jarrod Paul, Andrew Mogel, Danny Wallace

Last Thursday, I spoke with the Douche on the phone to find out what movies she wanted to watch and review. I had to work late, so I told her to pick something out. She informed me of her choices, "Slumdog Millionaire" and "Yes Man." I had decided to use the Redbox machine in the grocery store to rent one of these movies. The machine did not have Slumdog, but they did have Yes Man. So my decision was made. It was my first time using the Redbox. I wondered what type of person rents from these machines. Is it someone too poor or stupid to use Netflix? Or is it someone who goes to the grocery store for emergency items; Ben and Jerry's and soda and thinks, "I need to see Paul Blart Mall Cop!"
Either way, I am going to give Redbox four stars for being present, cheap, and easy.

"Yes Man" is more like "No thank you Man." The concept is good but after twenty minutes I wish I was watching a good Jim Carrey movie. Which leads to my new idea: Fire Marshall Bill-the movie. *Note I just googled this and some other have had the same idea. -I guess that means it's good?
Anyway, what did you think -The Douche?

Well Stammy, I'm so excited that you finally went to Red Box! It's great, right! Sometimes the selection isn't too good but they do alright.
I actually went to DVD Play on the night of this joint rental and "Yes Man" was the only thing that neither I or little A had seen. Sooo, that's how it went down. Actually, we hadn't seen "Bride Wars" either but honestly, licking up someone else's vomit sounded more appealing than watching that.

Of course, had I seen "Yes Man" before having rented "Yes Man," then been given 3 options... watch Bride Wars, Yes Man or lick up some vomit, I'd have probably chosen the vom..., well, I may have still chosen "Yes Man" but the vomit would have been VERY tempting. Plus, licking up vomit reminds me too much of the late 90's Japanese thriller, "Audition," so no, definitely not the vomit. That movie was awful! Two thumbs way down!

As for, Yes Man, it was awful in a few different yet similar ways.

It didn't have a captive guy in a burlap bag who only eats the vomit of his female captor.... but it did have a formula story line so poorly put together that you wished you were that guy because at least then, you were being fed something other than shit.

It didn't have a man who's been paralyzed by a hot psychotic girl, yet still able to feel pain as the girl sticks pins in his eyes.... but it did have Jim Carrey doing some really stupid comedy, such as getting a BJ from a geriatric woman. Watching that made me feel like pins were being stuck in my eyes.

It didn't have a suspenseful ending where the psycho girl is taking off the foot of an innocent guy with a piano wire and his son may or may not save him and kill her before she cuts off his other foot.......
...It did have Jim Carrey in a hospital gown with his butt showing as he went after the girl of his dreams whom he F'ed things up with before but now wants to get back with because she's his true love.
Does he catch her??? Does the psycho girl get killed by accidently falling down stairs and breaking her neck, therefore letting the son off the hook of a guilty life of knowing he'd killed someone while at the same time, having a somewhat happy ending because the girl can't hurt anyone ever again?
You'll have to rent the movie to find out! Or maybe you could just guess. You might guess right.

Stars!!! My favorite part! yay!!!... Yes Man gets One (1) Star for Zooey Dechanel who was as usual, cute in this movie. :)

2009-05-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

Movie: The Wrestler
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Year:2008
Logline: A has-been wrestler struggles with life outside the ring.
Reviewed by: Stam

Mickey Rourke stars as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, the washed up wrestler who achieved his fame in the late 80's. 1980's.
Also Marisa Tomei plays an older stripper with great tits.
I really believed that Rourke was a washed up wrestler and Tomei was a stripper; probably because she didn't have clothes on.
If you're looking for a great date movie, this one is it. If you're like me, you like ending your dates by contemplating your own death.
It would also be a great film to take your kids to. The film shows kids what it's like to be an athlete. Live hard, play hard, ditch your family, snort coke then bang chicks in a bar bathroom, get locked out of your trailer home, die alone, you know, stuff that any athlete has to do.
I would recommend The Wrestler to any aspiring wrestler, of which I know none.
Oh, and for those of you who need stars instead of words...I give it five of them!

Back to you, Douche!

Thanks Stam!

You know when you go out to eat at a place that has great desserts, you remember how good they are. In your head all you can think about is getting that delicious vegan tiramisu. When you finish eating and finally have the dessert, you're already full from dinner and the dessert is amazing but after you eat it, you feel like shit because you're just too full..
That's how Darren Aronofsky's films are. You know they're good, you remember them being so good and can't wait to see them but afterward, you feel shitty.You enjoyed watching, were mesmorized and drawn in but you're so fully drawn in, so completely immersed in the characters and story, that when Wrestler finally dies and you know he will, you feel dead inside yourself. Or when the girl from Requiem For a Dream gets "A** F'd," by a big fake 'D' you feel it just as deeply in your own 'A' and it hurts. And you're sore for a while.But soon, the pain and soreness both fade and you fail to remember how badly it hurt by the time his next movie comes out.Maybe next time, I'll go in prepared with plenty of lube for my A**... i.e. I'll prepare emotionally for the rollercoaster ride of emotions I'm sure to experience and detach a bit ahead of time. Then again, what's the fun in a detached movie viewing. I see movies so that I can feel something, anything.On that note, I loved it. This movie gets 4.5 stars. Just a 1/2 star short of perfection because it didn't have any clear cut A** F'ing. The bathroom scene was just too ambiguous for my taste.